Sitting here, with a few minutes with nothing to do. In between finishing up with the kids at school before I head off to therapy. I sit here and I do nothing but think of you. But honestly I do that all day long. But it’s in those moments that I can’t keep my self busy that grief rushes out of me. The tears that I have no control over. They come as if they have no where else to go. This pain I feel is the worst I’ve ever felt. Tomorrow you will have been gone for 4 months. This pain or grief as they call it has yet to give up even the smallest amount. In fact it continues to get harder and deeper and hurt worse by the moment. They say God has a plan and a lesson in all things. What is my lesson in this. What lesson could I possibly need to learn from any of this. Am I not a good enough mother? Have I not paid enough attention? Have I put others in front of my kids? Do I not tell them I love them enough or hug them enough? Did I not kiss their bo-bo’s away when they were younger, or go to enough games and cheer as loud as I could? People say I have done nothing wrong, then why am I the one that has to make something out of this? Why isn’t it the boys parents. They made the decision to end our lives with out a second thought. Why are we the ones being punished because that is how I feel every single day. I have learned the method of fake it until you make it. But the truth is I feel so broken and dead inside. How do I ever come back from that. How do I fix this. I do everything I have been told to do. My relationship with God is getting better. I pray, I read his word. I go to therapy, I go to grief group, I go to church. I am trying to build something amazing in Morgans name to keep him close. But nothing changes how I feel inside. The disaster I can not figure how to start cleaning up. The emptiness that weighs so deeply inside of me. The pain that grows more and more every day. But I get up each morning and Thank God for giving me another chance to figure this out. I will never understand why it had to be my baby boy, NEVER!