I lost my dad when I was 23 years old. I had just found out that I was pregnant with Morgan. I was scared out of my mind to become a mom for the very first time. All those first time mom thoughts went through my head. Would I be a good mom, would the mom instincts ever kick in ect. When my dad passed I begged and prayed that I would receive a sign from him. I wanted to know if he was proud of me or if I could do better. I looked and looked for signs and I felt like I never got one. I used to be so jealous of family members who would tell me they saw him in a dream or they were visited by butterflies, found pennies on the ground. You know those unexpected little things that mean so much. Those moments that you will hold close to your heart and treasure forever.

I was lucky, and I honestly had no idea how at the time. As my children grew up they all started to resemble him. Morgan became a spitting image of him. The way he looked, his mischievous ways, the way he wanted to help anyone and everyone. My youngest daughter is a replica of Morgan in a female version. Carson looks like my dad in his Army Reserve days. Maddi looks a lot me and I resemble my dad more than I did my birth mother. So I look at it this way I may not have gotten many signs but I got the better end of the deal. Everyday no matter where I looked I was able to see my dad.

After Morgan passed, I was afraid I would never get those little signs, I would never see him in my dreams. That was devastating to me. I also thought that because Morgan hadn’t had kids yet I would never have that piece either like I did with my dad. That was a hard reality to my grief.

Then out of the blue I started seeing little signs. I hadn’t really seen butterfly’s in years. I mean I would see them just flying around but nothing like where they would hang out for a while. My Husband Jason and I took the kids on a staycation at our camper in Brookeville, In. One day we decided to take a train ride to Metamora. On the way back a butterfly came through the window and landed on my arm. At first I thought WOW, this is pretty neat. Nothing Like this had ever happened to me. I felt really guilty for taking this time away, I knew the kids needed it, but I didn’t want people to think that I forgot about Morgan. As I was sitting on the train with this butterfly it just stayed with me. It stayed right on my arm slowly opening and closing his wings. I was so amazed at how beautiful this was. I started to concentrate on it and the thought came to me that it was Morgan. This butterfly stayed with me for over 30 minutes. On the train that is bumpy and swaying back and forth. But this butterfly didn’t leave me. Later that day I thought maybe I put to much thought into this butterfly being a sign from Morgan. As the days continued I realized that every night there had been the most beautiful sunsets. Even on the days that we had rain, some how we still had these amazing sunsets. My son has been gone now for 102 days, and has shown us beautiful sunsets (with the help of God) for those same 102 days. The sky has had the most beautiful pinks, oranges, yellows and purples I think I’ve ever seen. Not including the gorgeous rainbows after a good rain.

In these last three and a half months I no longer think there are such things as coincidences. There are too many things that have happened to me personally to be a coincidence. I told Morgan’s dad not too long ago how I believe Morgan’s spirit animal is a snail. (I know snails aren’t considered an animal, but you get the point). Every where I turn I see snails. Picking up a small little squishy kids toy, it was yellow I thought it would be a duck for my jeep. Boy I was wrong. A snail. I went to a witches market and stopped by the crystal booth. I was looking for a crystal to help with my grief. One of the stones that they referred me to was carved into a snail. My daughter stopped at a booth with jewelry, the first thing that she looked at was snail earrings. Yes of course she bought them for me.

My point to this blog today is that there are signs out there that our loved ones are trying to show us. They try to tell us that they are still here with us. We just have to open our hearts and minds to those things. Morgan has shown me this. God has helped me calm my soul enough to see all these beautiful amazing things are my son letting us all know that he is with us. He may not be here physically but he is walking with each one of us daily. He is telling us all to keep moving. One moment at a time, one foot in front of the other. We still have a long road ahead of us and he wants us to keep going, to keep fighting and keep his name alive.