I don’t think Morgan ever realized what kind of an impact he made on people. The stories I have heard over the last four months. The post I see every month on the anniversary date. Or just the random post that I see on very random days. People have no idea how much the stories help me. It shows what kind of man my boy was becoming or actually was. Random ice cream stops at 2 am. Or letting a non popular girl know that this world wouldn’t be the same without her in it. Morgan was a popular person. He knew everyone and talked with everyone. He never let someone feel that he was better than them. I couldn’t have been more proud of the person he was. I felt as though I knew Morgan pretty well and to still hear stories about how he treated others. He used to come home and tell me about a girl that he was trying to help leave an abusive relationship. She wouldn’t. In fact she is still with that person. He would get so heart broken, mad, sad and irritated not understanding why one would stay in a relationship like that. We talked about this person for countless of hours. At one point he told me he had to distance himself from her because he couldn’t stand watching her get hurt or be treated that way any longer.

I don’t understand why all of this has happened. I have been going to church and the sermon that has been talked about is learning things that need to changed in our lives. We go through trials and tribulations and there are lessons that come through these that we must learn before we can move on. I’m struggling with this right now. What in the world could I learn from this? I know I am supposed to give it all to God, and I really do try. We have 16 days before we are back in court. Not for a little check in, this will determine if we continue in juvenile court or go to big boy court. If things don’t go as I want them to my heart will break even more than it already is. I am struggling. But I stand strong, I pray, I don’t let my kids see me worry. But I know that they know. I know it’s ok to let them see me weak and vulnerable. That’s not me. Ive never been that person. I am afraid of being that person. Is that my lesson in all of this. That I need to let go of the strong side of me? To be vulnerable. But then I think, I had to lose my son to learn this lesson.

All the trauma I have dealt with in my life, and let me tell you there is a lot. I had a psychiatrist ask me just last week, How are you still standing? Because that’s what I do. I put my head down and I keep moving. I know I don’t have the answers of what lesson I am to learn in all of this. I need to be patient. I need to let God speak to me in his timing. I need to give my anxiety and worries to him. He has a plan. And nothing I say or do will change that. I just hope he knows that I can’t take much more. Yes I am standing but barely. I am the weakest I’ve ever been all while being the strongest I have ever had to be.

I am working my way up to talking about the worst night of my life. That maybe tomorrow or it may be a year from now. But I am trying. I am trying my hardest to get people to talk about him. To share our post, to subscribe and engage in this blog. I know it’s only been a little bit but at moments it feels as if it has been forever since I have heard his voice or had to look up at his beautiful smile or gotten his hugs that seemed to last a lifetime. Then there are other moments where I feel as if it is ground hog day and the worst day just keeps repeating itself.

People that have gone through loosing a child tell me that my whole world will be different, It will never be the same again. Boy how right they are. I feel like my world crashes every day like a building that has exploded. My body feels so much heavier. I can literally feel my heart break more and more everyday. Yes I put on a smile because I have other kids who need me, but no where in the Parent manual did it tell me I would have to fake it til I made it when it came to loosing one of my kids.

I hope and I pray each day that I am doing something positive in Morgans name. Something that he would be proud of. Not because of making money (Because that is definitely not what we are doing) but because we are helping those that really need it. Not businesses that are able to pay their employees or pay their utilities but people who are on their last straw. The ones that have no idea how they will be able to pull off Christmas this year or one that has a job interview and has absolutely nothing to wear. I pray that I am doing right in the eyes of God and in the eyes of my son. Because that is all I have left in me. If this doesn’t build something for our community and people around us, I will fail and I don’t think I will ever be able to pick myself back up. I have lost so much in my life, I have made so many mistakes, I have tried to fix things. Some I have accomplished some not even close. But I am putting what little energy I have left in this.