I have this reoccurring nightmare, except it’s one that I can never wake up from. When I am sleeping I wake with panic attacks. When I am a wake I have to remind myself how to breath. To not let my emotions get the best of me. I have to remind myself that I have this giant village of people around me I just need to open my mouth and let the words HELP come out. I don’t know how to do that. Do you know how many times people ask me what they can do to help me? I don’t have the answers. Right now I have thrown myself fully into Morgan Myers Legacy. I am so afraid of failing. I guess a part of me will feel as though I have failed him more. Everything that goes on in court is out of my hands beside praying. And believe me I do that. I pray or I guess better is that I just talk to God. What else can I do. I got stuck in the elevator today with one of the moms of the boys. I wanted my anger to come out but it didn’t, I scoured like a chicken. I hid trying to get as far away from her as possible. In my head I know she isn’t to blame, except maybe how she raised her kid. But in my heart I hate her. My momma would tell me not to say that word. Hate is such a powerful word, a powerful emotion but that is how I feel. Maybe I scoured because I think if I would have had the opportunity all my anger could come out on her and that is something I would spend the rest of my life regretting.

Oh how life isn’t fair. I miss Morgan so much. I know I talk about the pain all the time but pain isn’t even a good word for it. My soul feels lost. My heart is broken and I know that it will never mend. These last 4, closer to 5 months have been absolute hell. Today was just an addition to it. I have received no more answers, just more questions. I have no idea if we are any closer to getting justice for my boy. In all honesty even if/when we do get justice for him in a way I feel it won’t change. It doesn’t bring him back. It won’t make me hurt less, it won’t stop my tears. I will still reach for the blanket I had made of his clothes. I will still spray his smell so I can feel closer to him. Even if I could never speak to him again I wish that I could hug him one last time. The way he towered over me like I was a little person. The way I never let go until he did. I always felt like his hugs lasted forever. I never complained though. No matter how much bigger and older he got I knew he still needed me. Now the roles are reversed and I need him. He got me through so many bad moments in life. All I had to do was look as his eyes and that smile and I knew no matter what was thrown at me I could get through it. Not that the rest of children don’t do that, it was just something in Morgan. Maybe because he went through most of those rough times with me. How am I supposed to keep moving through? I want to give up, I don’t want to stand any more. I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want to come up with ideas of how to keep his name going. Does that make me a bad mom, maybe but I’m tired. I am tired of not having answers. I am tired of being so close but so far from justice. I don’t know how some of these parents go through years and sometimes a lifetime with out knowing anything. How do they get up every day. How do they hold on to their lives.

As much as I want to give up I know I won’t. I know that I want to keep going to show my kids that we are strong enough to get through what ever is sent our way. I know that I want to make not only my son but my dad proud of me. I want to see Morgan Myers Legacy explode into something amazing and not just because it’s getting cold out side. I want these people to know they are not alone. Maybe partially because I feel so alone all the time. I know I have my people but to explain to them what I am feeling, there aren’t enough words in the dictionary. To explain to my husband is the same. Im thankful that they don’t know how I feel. I know they have their own feelings about it. It’s just not the same. My son didn’t ask for this, he didn’t take his own life, he didn’t get sick. He was taken for no good reason. He was taken because somebody wanted what he had. But the thing is the most valuable things he had wasn’t with him that day. We were all at home, or they were at work or they were busy with one thing or another. His people were the most valuable thing to him. Morgan would have given them anything they wanted to come home to us. But that didn’t matter to them instead they took it upon themselves to take the materialistic things that didn’t matter and they left us all here broken.